This information may or may not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my associates, my friends, my enemies or my cat; don’t quote me on that; don’t quote me on anything; specifications are subject to change without notice; pictures may be slightly enlarged to show detail or slightly reduced to hide detail; any resemblance to actual or imaginary persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; do not enter; do not exit; do not wear jewellery or loose clothing while reading; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this special offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; information is provided “as is” without any warranties expressed or implied; do not climb on apparatus, user accepts all risk; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity employer; no shoes, no shirt, no service; quantities are limited while supplies last; reading may cause temporary blindness, constipation, or both; do not apply directly to open wounds; avoid direct contact with eyes; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service centre; cocaveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory -explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, water, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; be careful of pinch points; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; may cause temporary increase of estrogen; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; look both ways before proceeding; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; may cause drowsiness; may cause sleeplessness; may contain lead; not to scale; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes; choking hazard; do not feed the animals; words on this page may be unstable, do not attempt to climb; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; reading and thinking about these pages may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used on these web pages is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test these pages nor the ideas contained within; no salt, MSG, artificial colour, or flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a physician; do not eat; take on empty stomach; dishwasher safe; slippery when wet; must be 18 or over to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; not a spectator sport; available free of charge; warranty does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, or other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, poor grammar, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, thermonuclear electromagnetic radiation, customer adjustments that are not covered in the information given, random enforcement of Murphy’s Law, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accident, airplane crash, sinking ship, leaky roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; do not turn up-side-down; instructions on underside of package; do not microwave; not to be taken with alcohol; not for resale; do not over-oil; colours may fade; half-price on Tuesdays; safety glasses recommended; subject to supervisory approval; no animals allowed; content of this page may change without notice; dispose of properly after use; maximum ten readings per day; no affiliation with other disclaimers; read immediately before bedtime; no parking anytime; maximum 110 km/h; slow to 30 km/h when children present; no motor vehicles allowed; watch for falling rocks; reversing polarity may cause unit damage; avoid sharp objects as they may cause personal injury; objects may appear closer than they are; high risk of roll-over; may contain nuts; watch your head; do not immerse in water; may cause hearing damage if used for extended lengths of time; some assembly required; puncture resistant; get yours today; other restrictions may apply. Note that this disclaimer is a compilation of various other disclaimers. Please see full disclaimer. Or not. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.